the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
