We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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