we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
