i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
