I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize