I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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