The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
