i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize