I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize