Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So squirting runs in the family.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
