eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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