I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
