I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
