Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
