this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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