i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
