I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
