I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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