He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I love you.
Bad choice
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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