I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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