Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
