it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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