So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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