When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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