You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
