imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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