Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
