cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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