I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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