Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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