When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
