What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
