I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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