I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
