so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
