the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize