I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
