i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
