you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
