I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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