My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
