I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize