I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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