Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize