yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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