Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The air taste purple.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
