It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
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