Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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