you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
