i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
