just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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