you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize