do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
