Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
