I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize