I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
