I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize