I wish I could teleport
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
