I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
