I wish my penis had an off switch
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
