i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
