I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
