Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
