I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
