So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
