Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
