I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
