In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
