I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
